Fear

Is everybody ready for this? The guy who loves Truth is about to be truly honest. I suppose not just honest, but vulnerable. I am afraid of what my Savior has called me to do, but I can't deny whats causing my soul to burn either. Right now I'm listening to Louie Giglio preach. I love listening to him. He always seems so passionate about what God is doing in him. Guess that's why they call thier ministry "Passion." God has called me to stand out in the world like a two headed guy. That scares me. I know all the black, devouring sin that is in my past. You don't. Will it be found out if you can't help but see me? I want to stand back and be a good christian, live my life, raise my children to be great christians, and die content on my way to heaven. But when I hear the word of God brutally honestly spoken ( in preaching or song or nature) it tears my heart from my chest. It flings my spirit into the sky as if setting it to fly with joy and sorrow and peace and passion. "I heard You calling, setting fire to my soul." God, i dont have the words. I dont usually ask this directly, but please pray for me. There is a lot I need to get straight in my life, but should that stop me from taking up my cross right now? I love Christ with all my heart, but I dont want what He wants neccessarily. I love people who are hurting, but I hate people at the same time. I want to be a great teacher and exhorter and merciful christian brother, but I cant stand the taste that the church leaves in my mouth. I suppose my struggle is not so unusual, but it is because its mine. Perhaps, while Im praying for my own understanding in this, I should pray for yours also. Cause we're probably all there in some way. I know nobody reads this, but thanks for your ear. Christ I love you with all that is within me - help me live you with all that is me too. Captare Veritas - Seek Truth